FAQs
Don't men who are
sexual abused or raped become rapists?
NO! This is a destructive myth that often
adds to the anxiety a male survivor feels after being assaulted.
Because of this misinformation, it is common for a male survivor to
fear that he is now destined to do to others what was done to him.
While many convicted sex offenders have a history of being sexually
abused, most male survivors do not become offenders. The truth is
that the great majority of male survivors have never and will never
sexually assault anyone.
What is
different about men’s healing?
Because men are not often seen as survivors
of child sexual abuse or adult rape, there often is a unique kind of
shame that men have to overcome to begin healing. Homophobia and
sexism perpetuate the myth that “real” men are not sexually
victimized, that men are “strong” (not vulnerable) and that men are
the sexual initiators (and therefore could not be sexually abused).
Homophobia also makes it difficult for boys to disclose sexual abuse
by men for fear of being labeled gay. These barriers prevent men
from being vulnerable enough to come forward about what has happened
to them, and to get appropriate help.
Did you know?
Most men have a difficult time entering
recovery, often denying the abuse or refusing to see how it has
affected their lives. The first step is recognizing a need for and
being willing to accept help. In many cases, their lives must become
totally unmanageable, or their feelings so uncomfortable or painful,
before they take the first step.
What if the abuse happen to me as an adult, can I still
attend retreat?
Yes. Whether the sexual abuse happened during childhood or
later if it was unwanted it still is abuse. We have men
who experienced abuse situations like hazing in college, military,
civic departments and work place. The pain, guilt and other
emotional trauma are the same. We provide a place for men to
commence or continue healing.
Why
attend a retreat with other men?
Healing from sexual trauma involves
expressing and re-experiencing the feelings of shame, vulnerability,
fear, guilt, and powerlessness — the “non-masculine” feelings. Most
men need to go through a process that allows them to disconnect from
male gender role expectations. Normalizing is one example of such a
process. To normalize traumatic events, one must associate with
others with the same experience. In a group of other survivors,
victims can speak about otherwise forbidden topics, such as sex with
other men, inappropriate sex with women, and feelings about the
abuse, then and now. Hearing other men speak about their own abuse
experiences allows victims to feel accepted, without fear of
judgment or ridicule. They have finally found other people they can
relate to in a meaningful and healing way
What if I don’t remember the abuse?
Memory is a key issue in child abuse. Some
men have very clear memories of being abused. They can tell you how,
when and who. For others it is repressed in some ways. There may be
a screen memory covering the actual abuse. For instance a memory of
footsteps, a larger-than-life figure and then a memory of leaving
their body. The memory of the abuse is repressed, tucked away,
because it is too painful and more feelings than the boy can handle.
These feelings can be activated through being touched in a certain
way, triggered by being in a certain situation, or provoked by a
smell that takes him back to that moment when it happened. For some
the memories come flooding back, for others it may be a piece of the
experience or dark images.
Did You Know?
A man who was abused
as child is wounded. He feels broken or empty inside. He believes
that he is unfit to be loved. Either he is unable to get into a
relationship or he chooses relationships where he will be used,
abused, or in some way continues to be a victim. No amount of love
from the outside can fill that hole or emptiness inside. No amount
of distractions, like sex, work or eating will make the feeling
disappear for more than a short time. The wound has to be confronted
and healed from the inside
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